I’m middle-aged and three years out of a long marriage. Though happy alone, I would love to know I’ll get it right before I die. And so I’ve tried any number of dating services. I signed up, wrote a profile about myself, and posted some pictures. Then I perused the profiles of men in my age range, looking at their pics, their self-descriptions, and the boxes they checked about religious beliefs, political leanings, desire to have children, etc., etc., etc.
I signed up for each site with a willingness to be open, and so I’ve had lots of fine dates with fine men who were wrong for me, a couple bad dates with awful men who were wrong for anyone, and lots of attempts at contact with men who had no interest in me. I’ve gone through phases of great zeal and phases of pure, exhausted cynicism. I thought the worst of it was when eHarmony, which “…Matches you on 29 dimensions of compatibility…” sent me the profile of a used car salesman who lives in
It has proved to be the worst experience of all.
If I didn’t need to write this up for a complaint to The Better Business Bureau, I wouldn’t waste any more time on the whole mess than I already have. But, since I do want to submit my complaint, here’s my story, with some of the names changed.
January 5. The new year. I decided to look where I live in
“...These are our clients. We protect them like nobody's business. They are the best in the business. They chose us because no other company provides the personal, professional and confidential services we offer… …At The Relationship Co., a full time, trained, professional staff actively searches for you… …Our staff has met the person you are meeting. We know your relationship goals. We introduce you to someone with the same goals… …The Relationship Co. takes the time to understand your very special situation and develop a personalized, cost-effective, time-efficient, no-risk plan. We use compatibility profiles as guidelines in matching lifestyles, attitudes, and goals. Most importantly, we rely on our relationship with you to find the right person for you. We develop a personal relationship with all our clients…”
After filling out their online compatibility profile and getting a subsequent call from their representative, I went in for a scheduled interview with Elissa. (I’ve since discovered she is the company owner.) We must have talked for an hour during which time I told her how I’ve been on every dating website, have talked or emailed with countless men, have had first dates with about 35 men, and while nearly everybody had been a perfectly respectable human being, there hadn’t been a single person who was even close to being right for me.
I described the kind of guy I’m looking for. Someone who is:
- Dynamic,
- with liberal values,
- experienced in the world,
- doing something exciting with his life.
- Attractive.
- Exceptionally smart,
- exceptionally funny.
- Not the kind of person who lives in the same town he was born in,
- not old for his age; not checked-out,
- not dreary like most of the men I’ve met.
- Spiritual but not religious, agnostic or atheist.
- Attractive!
I told her:
- I’m not interested in business, not enamored with money, and am not typically attracted to men who are.
- I’m basically a city person and would likely be most interested in a man who was also, or at least had had lots of city/edgy experience.
- I don’t mind outdoor things, but that’s not what I spend my time on.
- THE most important thing was that the guy NOT be quiet or passive; that’s the kind of guy I was married to and it just didn’t work.
Elissa said she could see that I was looking for a really special kind of guy, and she said it like she really meant it. She’s a trained psychologist, and clearly not dumb. I was convinced. But I was also highly concerned about the cost.
Elissa explained how her service works; During an interview with the client, she fills out a profile card describing that person in detail. They get the results of the compatibility profile which, Elissa said, allows her to have very deep insight into the client. They do a background check (for an additional, non-optional $50.00.) They then find good matches, and Suzy calls to arrange them. Either party has the option not to approve the match. However, if both parties approve the match, that match counts toward the number of matches one’s plan allows. Even before the two parties speak on the phone. Oh, and there are no photographs sent, so the client has to approve the match or not based solely on Suzy’s description over the phone. But Suzy is great, she knows everyone, knows everything that’s going on, etc.
I told Elissa that I’m in the midst of a new business venture and so I have to spend every penny extremely carefully. I was very clear that I shouldn’t sign up unless she was confident that her service would have matches for me. She thought about it, said there are probably 200 men in my age range, and she could think of two men right off who were exceptional.
There was one man Elissa couldn’t wait to introduce me to: He lives in
I signed up not for the cheapest plan but the next one. It guaranteed me 12 qualified matches in 12 months. After that time and number of matches, I’d be done. I put the $2400 fee on my credit card and signed a contract saying I understood that half of my money was refundable during the first week (or three days, or month… I don’t remember,) and then the fee was completely nonrefundable.
As we said our good-byes, I said I looked forward to hearing from Elissa soon. She told me that I probably wouldn’t hear from her again, and reiterated that Suzy is the main contact person, Suzy knows everything, and all that stuff. She said Suzy would call the next week just to give me the skinny on how the service works.
After two weeks I still hadn’t heard from Suzy. I called the service. Voicemail picked up. After listening to the typical long list of voicemail options, I left Suzy a message asking what was going on.
One week later, I got a call from Suzy saying she wanted to explain how things work. She seemed not to have gotten or remembered my voicemail. She did indeed tell me how the service works and in so doing essentially repeated everything Elissa had told me. She also said she’d call me the next week with my first match.
Before we hung up I asked Suzy to tell me about the results of my personality profile. Sounding tired and a bit rushed, she ran down a list of characteristics, saying things like, “On Spirituality you’re a four, on Stability you’re a six…” Having no idea what the scale was or what each of those dimensions actually measured, I stopped listening. I was getting the impression that it would have been far too complicated to try to get that information, and I didn’t care that much. But I wondered how the service was using those numbers to make matches.
I was growing concerned. The customer service I’d received thus far was suspect And, contrary to Elissa’s insistence, Suzy hardly seemed to know everything that was going on. Further, even though I liked Suzy and the element of sweetness in her voice, I couldn’t help but notice that, to put it bluntly, she didn’t seem very smart or very insightful.
I started to worry that I’d thrown away $2400 that I didn’t even have, all because of the promises made by Elissa and her website.
Two weeks later Suzy called with my long-awaited first match. I don’t remember all of what she told me about him, but he didn’t sound like anybody I’d ever, ever think of as a good match for me. Granted, the picture she painted was faint at best, and there was no picture or anything. So, having no reason to doubt the service’s choices, I agreed to talk to the guy. That meant that I only had 11 more matches coming to me, whether Match #1 and I had a good phone conversation or not.
When Match #1 called, he was:
- An insurance executive,
- Very, very quiet and passive in the conversation,
- humorless.
- His company had sent him to live all over the world, but his absolute favorite place was
In other words, this guy was, in every way, and with utter precision, the exact opposite of what Elissa assured me she understood I was looking for.
The next day I called to talk to Suzy. Voicemail picked up again. I left a message saying I was confused as to why anybody thought Match #1 and I would ever be right for each other. I asked her to call me back.
I didn’t hear from anybody for a week. Then someone named Wendy called asking how things went with Match #1 and if he and I were we still in communication. Obviously Suzy hadn’t gotten my voicemail or remembered that she’d gotten it or told
I called Elissa and left a message outlining everything that had happened up to that point, including my communication with Wendy and lack thereof with Suzy.
Elissa never called back. She still hasn’t to this day.
Suzy called about a week or two later. She had another match for me. I asked her how Match #1 seemed like a good match for me. “He’s just a great guy,” she said several times.
So much for “We use compatibility profiles as guidelines in matching lifestyles, attitudes, and goals. Most importantly, we rely on our relationship with you to find the right person for you.”
So, on to a phone call about Match #2. Again, I don’t remember all of it, but the gist of it is that he was:
- A financial advisor who lives in Adams
- Into all manner of outdoor activities, and stamp collecting.
Getting really angry now, I asked her why she thought he and I would be a good match. “He’s just a really nice guy,” she said. That was it? He’s nice?! I imagined going outside, striking up conversations with random middle-aged men, and asking the first nice one for a date. When my friends and family questioned the arbitrariness of my dating choice, I would insist that he’s just a really nice guy!
I told her how upset I was at the lack of quality in the matches I was being sent, and repeated, point for point, everything I had told Elissa. Suzy was on the defensive, which really wasn’t surprising given how agitated I surely sounded. When I told her of all of the red flags Match #1 came with, she insisted, again, that he was such a great guy, that every time he came into the office she felt great just talking to him, etc. I told her we had no interests in common. She said that was okay, he’d be interested in whatever I was interested in. I said it was clear that we had different values. She didn’t really see how. I said I couldn’t envision having a partner whose work time and focus were devoted to the insurance industry. She said that wasn’t fair, I didn’t know if he was an interesting person or not… She and I went on like that for a while, with Suzy cajoling me into to accepting the notion that #1 had been a good match. I finally told her he was clearly a conservative, that I’d told Elissa I’m an ardent liberal. Suzy said the cards never give people’s political leanings.
Suzy looked at my card. Incredulous, and to her credit, she admitted that she’d never have known I was a liberal by reading what Elissa had written about me. She saw none of what I’d told Suzy about myself, which was the same as what I had told Elissa. She said that, by looking at my card, she’d never have known I was looking for the kind of guy I was looking for. I asked to hear what the card said. It gave my height, my age, that I like movies, eating out, spending time with friends, etc. I didn’t even recognize myself; I sounded like Ms. Generic Person.
So much for “…The Relationship Co. takes the time to understand your very special situation…”
Suzy asked me to come in for a face-to-face. I felt much better. Surely, once meeting me, the woman who “knows everything” would be able to understand who I am and what I’m looking for. But, just to be sure, I took in two pages of information about me and my world. It included the dating profiles I’d written for online dating sites, pictures of celebrities who are my type (Harrison Ford, Daniel Day Lewis,) pictures of my family members and the men I’ve had relationships with. I typed up descriptions of what they all do for a living to illustrate the kinds of things I’m used to talking about with the people in my life. They are writers, therapists, artists, physicians, a wood worker, an internet innovator . All dynamic, extremely bright and funny, unique in their own ways, and making big, intentional contributions. Really attractive human beings. I talked through every bit of those two pages.
Much to my gratification, Suzy started to write out a whole new card for me. And then she stopped, saying she’d call me soon with a first draft of a new card and read it to me before finalizing it and sending it along to the matchmakers. Even better!
Plus, she said, she completely understood what I was looking for: “A do-gooder.”
Oh, no… All that time, all that explaining, and it came down to one, hackneyed, inaccurate summary expression. I tried to explain that that wasn’t it. But she interrupted (did I mention she interrupts a lot?) to insist that she really did understand what I was looking for.
It was a long conversation (over two hours, but mostly because it turned at some point to all manner of things about Suzy. She mentioned…
- She and Elissa make none of the matches, though Suzy makes recommendations. Instead, there are two matchmakers who make all the matches.
- The “matchmakers” never meet or even talk to any of the clients. Not ever. There’s no way, they don’t have the time to for that, they have over 2000 people (strangers with inaccurately-written profile cards, apparently) to match.
- Some of the profiles include pictures of the clients, some don’t.
- Matchmaking is an incredibly hard job in which people quickly get burned out.
- Suzy is overworked and exhausted.
- Her brother’s girlfriend is a “stubborn Polak.” But, she said, she meant that lovingly.
- All men are stupid. (When I told her I disagree, she simply said, “You know what I mean.”)
Suzy never called to discuss my card. Instead, she called with a new match. When I asked about my new card, Suzy off-handedly said she’d written it and sent it along to the matchmakers. Another promise forgotten and broken.
Match #3? A land surveyor who lives in
I asked her about the amazing man Elissa had told me about during our interview so long ago. “He’s got a gray pony tail and he’s older,” she said. “There would be the whole attractiveness problem.” I felt my stomach knot up.
Not long after that, Suzy called again. About Match #4, Bob. A retired school psychologist who still works part-time. Likes to do Habitat for Humanity on the weekends. (The first thing I’d heard in four matches that I could relate to!) What he wants people to know about him: "Love they neighbor." Oh, so he quotes the bible… I forget his other details, but, once again, he didn’t sound like anybody I’d ever be interested in. I asked why she thought he’d be a good match for me. She said his personality survey indicated that he’s very calm. I said that’s the opposite of what I’m looking for, and that I had told both her and Elissa of that important fact! She said she meant he was emotionally stable. Huh? So if all a guy needs to be a good match for me is emotional stability?! “He’s just a real do-gooder,” she said. I explained that I never said I was looking for a do-gooder. Rather, I’m looking for a dynamic man with values like mine. One who is doing something exciting with his life. She insisted that this man was all of those things. So, because I hoped she had deeper insight into me since our face-to-face, I agreed to talk to the guy.
April 5. Three months to the day since I signed up for the service. I got a voicemail from Bob.
My outgoing voicemail message is funny. It happens to make people guffaw. I’m constantly told it’s the funniest one they’ve ever heard. For examples, it asks callers to dial another number if they’re in a bad mood, but leave a message if they’re a cherished friend or admirer from afar. (Not funny summarized in print, I realize.)
None of the matches I’d been sent thus far had so much as giggled.
Bob called when I wasn’t home, and left a message. Slow, quiet, humorless, he had the nasal monotone of the quintessential nerd. But at least he made mention of my out-going message:
"Uh, yes, uh, hello, there, uh, Bonnie, this is Bob from Meriden Connecticut, I believe I would be in the category of a stranger from afar... and I must add I mean you no harm. [His emphasis.] Uhh, having gotten through that part of the field, uh, I'm responding to a paper I received yesterday from the Relationship Company and your name and phone number is there and, uh, a young lady named Suzy called me a few nights ago with some information and I gather the same holds true for yourself. Well, again, the name is Bob, Smith, S-m-i-t-h, and I’m home for the evening even though I may be out for approximately one hour when I will be out walking my dogs, two dogs. So I'll call you again this evening and I gather you have the paper work but it's 860-555-5555 okay thank you.”
He didn’t call. I consider that one of the few things that have gone my way during this whole dreadful process.
I called Suzy the following day with all of the obvious complaints about Match #4. More pressure to accept it as a good match. More trying to make her see why I’m simply not interested. She finally offered to bend the rules for me and say there’d been no contact between me and Match #4 so that it wouldn’t count toward my 11 remaining guaranteed matches, which was truly nice of her.
Regardless, we were clearly back to zero.
A few days later, another call. At least I’m getting more attention now. But who said negative attention is better than no attention at all?
Match #5 is 62 years old, blue eyes, gray hair. Christian. Used to be the president of his own local company, but is now a yacht broker. Loves theater, movies, fine dining and golf. He is Christian and his faith is very important to him.
Need I say more?
May 2007. I called Elissa and left her a voicemail explaining that I'd written this piece and was about to post it to my friend's blogs. Suddenly there was a flurry of voicemails on my machine. Elissa's intermediaries each called me several times to schedule a meeting with Elissa!
Elissa and I met for lunch. She was warm, savvy, and open to what I had to say. I told her she had made promises to me that she hadn’t kept. She was very empathetic, explained all sorts of confidential things about the service that were the cause of my feelings, and offered me direct service from her and the matchmaker. The only other offer was to reduce my level of service and refund $800+ of my money in exchange for my legally agreeing to never take action against her or her company. I told her I’d go along with the first offer, but if the level of service didn’t improve I would proceed with my blog posting and with a complaint to the Better Business Bureau.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While I was on Match.com and similar dating websites, I set my preferences so that I only saw men who were liberals, in a certain age range, were atheists, agnostics or “spiritual but not religious.” Further, I never looked at profiles that didn’t include pictures which generally weeded out married men and criminals, as well as men with more facial hair than I can stand the thought of kissing. I had control, thus, I spent time on it when only when I had the time. While I didn’t fall in love with anyone, I met two men with whom I had really nice short-term relationships. That cost me about $25.00 per month.
If I were to sign up for Match.com every month for exactly eight years I’d spend as much as the $2400.00 The Relationship Company took from me. I wouldn’t be getting phone calls when I’m busy with other things from someone trying to convince me to date someone I obviously would never be interested in. I wouldn’t be returning to an office with hand-outs, thereby spending a total of three hours talking to people about who I am and who I want to date. I wouldn’t be making countless phone calls that either never get returned or get returned in an untimely fashion. I wouldn’t have to contact the Better Business Bureau.
Granted, I wouldn’t have any greater chance of finding someone to fall in love with, but that’s life. Match.com, would at least be free and clear of dashing my expectations and breaking promises to me.
Dash hopes and break promises is ultimately all The Relationship Company did. The level of service never improved. I filed a complaint with the Better Business Bureau, and their response was to insist that they had met their contractual agreements and were still willing to find a good match for me.
September 2007. I have just responded to the Relationship Company’s response to my complaint: Not good enough, I want my money back.
And I’m also responding by posting this article everywhere I can.
But why didn’t I imagine the possibility of this debacle? The first reason is that I’ve been screwed so few times in my life that I still choose to believe people will do what they say they will do. The second reason is… Well, I’ve always heard that people will do just about anything for love. I was offered the possibility of love, and I became an example of that. I thought that if The Relationship
I believed, I took a chance, and I lost. Lesson learned. Buyer beware, damn it.
On, and If I do get it right before I die, it won’t be through the help of The Relationship
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